It's the last place where I want to be these days. Have you ever felt that? A place that used to feel like home and where you loved being no longer feels comfortable or perhaps even safe?
I'm not just a Christian, I'm also a church girl. What I mean by this is that I've been going to church since I was in the womb. As a child I probably only ever missed attending like three times (twice because of sickness and once because of a snowstorm). Church didn't feel like an obligation though. It was simply a part of our lives, a routine. During the week my sisters and I went to school and on Sundays my family and I went to church. And you know what? I loved going.
As an adult, when I had the choice, I willingly found a church and became involved. I still loved going...until a couple of months ago.
Photo by Josh Eckstein
For those who are scared of my last sentence you don't need to be. I'm not doubting my faith, having a crisis in what my beliefs are or deconstructing Christianity. I'm not dabbling in other religions or walking away from following Jesus. Not that I don't think God can handle our questions, doubts and emotions. My issue at this time in my life has nothing to do with God. I love Him. It's because of Him and Him alone that I keep waking up Sunday mornings and driving myself to a house of worship. I force myself to go not because I think God will be upset with me if I don't go or because I think I have to earn points with the Lord by being there. No, I walk through those doors because I want to worship Jesus. My soul needs to praise Him. Thankfully, my primary reason for going to church weekly has never been because of people but because of God. I love Him most.
Photo by Daniel McCullough
If you're a Christian, I want to say to you that you're not alone if you are struggling or have struggled with being in the house of the Lord. It's human. These days, I fight against my constant desire to isolate. It's also okay to make a change and start going elsewhere, to another Bible preaching church. I would encourage you to pray about this and not make decisions on raw emotions. If you're a follower of Jesus it is important to commit to a particular body even if you choose to take a break from attending for a while. Whatever you're going through, I would urge you to regularly communicate with God, fellowship with other believers (even if it's only a few for a time) and run towards God and not away from Him.
I don't know how long I'll feel the way I currently do, but I am grateful for the many loving people that are there and I don't doubt that one day I'll look forward to getting up on Sunday mornings again. I am a church girl afterall. I felt compelled to write this post in the midst of my battle for any who have ever not wanted to go because they have been hurt. God is patient and gracious. His arms are always wide open so wherever you are with the whole going to church thing, fall into His arms and let Him lead you. No one will love you better than Jesus and no one can gather the broken pieces of your heart and put them back together like He can.
Sending you the biggest hug.
Raquel